Praise is magic

My daughter is 2 years old and she thrives off of praise.

I’m all about it. It’s one of the easiest and most powerful things I can give her. I see so clearly how, when done enthusiastically and descriptively, my praises encourage her to try new things, face challenging ones, and steer her behaviors in a more pleasant direction.

Praise is truly magic!

I share this magic strategy with families I work with all the time. Kids thrive off enthusiastic, descriptive praises. They need hear what they’re doing well.

Praise for adults

I’m convinced this is true for us adults too. Just like our little ones, we need this kind of encouragement, this support, this recognition of what we’re doing well! Yet so often we fixate on what’s not going right, or what we should be doing better.

Today, I took a risk and I was honest about something with another person. I was scared the whole way through, and rehearsed what I’d say numerous times before. I’m 33, and still learning how to be honest and authentic, even when it may bring conflict or discomfort for the other.

So I did the thing I was scared of. I spoke my truth, I shared my feelings, and I sat with the uncomfortability of it all.

Thankfully, it was received well by the other person.. and I survived!

Yet my very faithful Enneagram 1 internal critic was quick to judge and criticize right after: “You said it wrong… you should have said more… you said too much…” Ugh!

I can always count on that critic to show up any time I make a change. When you unpack my story, it all makes sense. I’m willing to bet that when you unpack yours, it makes sense for you, too.

Celebrating the little steps

My daughter is 2 1/2 and I love taking her to the playground. I love watching her face her fears and try new things. She just started going up and down the “big girl” slide after several weeks of walking up some of the stairs, getting nervous, and then walking back down. Now, she can walk up the stairs all by herself, go to the very top of the slide and slide down all by herself.

When she comes down, she’s so proud of herself. Let me tell you, I make it such a big deal! Yes, some parents have given me glances with my over-enthusiasm, but I know my daughter and I know it’s such a big deal for her.

It’s so joyful and life-giving to watch her try new things, face the discomfort, and to celebrate slide wins with her. It’s one of my favorite things!

Here’s where it gets real: I would never in a million years tell her, after she bravely goes down a new slide, that she should have gone faster or higher. I’d never criticize her because of something she could have done “better.”

When she goes down a new slide, or even takes a new step towards a new slide, I celebrate the progress she’s made and all of the little steps she’s taking.  I give her a big hug and encourage her to keep doing the next brave thing.

So, while I would never say these critical things to my daughter when she goes after growth, here I am, criticizing my own self for not doing more, for not growing faster. Getting frustrated because I wanted to take all ten steps at once and only took one.

Yet, in that one imperfect step lies so much courage and strength. That one imperfect step is the catalyst for the growth that is coming and is already.

It’s the place where you risk letting go of what is familiar and step into what is more true and freeing. It doesn’t matter what the step looks like and if you wobble or trip when we make it.

What matters most is that you take it. And you let that one step be the step that guides the next brave thing.

So here I am, humbled, by the fact that I’m teaching my daughter something I’m not doing for myself. I’m giving her words of praise for the small steps she takes, yet withholding the very praise I need for the steps I’m taking in my own life. 

Words of compassion nurture. I’m doing it for my daughter realizing how desperately I need it for myself.

May all of us as parents or nurturers extend the same warmth and compassion we share with our loved ones towards our very selves. 

What’s a little descriptive and enthusiastic praise you can offer yourself today? 

I’m crafting mine right here with you. 😊