Letting go of perfectionism

I come from a place where criticizing and critiquing is the norm. Where expectations are held high and failure to meet them brings me real low. 

This way of living and being with myself has helped me reach certain milestones and meet personal and professional goals. Yes, it’s helped me succeed, but it’s also driven me to places of intense anxiety, and then darkness and despair when I miss “the mark,” because who ever does?

Over the years, I’ve slowly been stepping away from this never-ending cycle of striving and performing… but there is still such a pull in this direction. My sports performances and music-major days are over, but I’m still bent in this direction.

I’m pulled to perform.

This “performance driven” mindset has contributed to intense anxiety for me. All the “shoulds” bring up panic… oh, and nothing makes me more anxious than when other people see parts of who I really am… the parts I especially don’t want them to… the parts behind the performance.

The parts of me that feel so fragile, uncertain, weak.

My vulnerability hangovers can feel debilitating at times. I know that letting other people in is what it truly takes for connection and authenticity, but I still have trouble ripping off the Band-Aid. Or, when I do, I feel like everything is shattered and I’m the messiest person ever.

Ever feel that too?

Long story short, I’m still weary to let go. I’m hesitant to walk off the stage.

But I also know the freedom that comes when I do. 

I know the peace that comes with letting go of perfectionism, being gentle with ourselves and releasing the expectations we hold so high. I know the freedom when we accept whatever the opinions or ideas others have of us, without trying to change or manage them. I know the tenderness in sinking into our own unique story without trying to change or fix.

And guess what?

acceptance is the antidote

Acceptance, from what I’ve experienced, is the antidote to this anxiety that has driven me mad for so long. This anxiety that peaks when I set the bar too high. When I lose sight of my own humanity and limits.

Just recently, I had a moment at work where I was called out to share something I wasn’t prepared for. My heart raced, I felt put on the spot, and I felt panic rising in my chest. Usually, this is the point where I freak out internally and can’t think.

I took a pause, reflected for a moment, and shared what I knew. It wasn’t a “perfect” response and I was still panicking inside a little. But I said something, and I wasn’t harsh with myself afterwards.

I finished the meeting and gave myself a warm hug. I spoke tenderly to myself and praised myself for being brave. I accepted whatever anyone else thought of me instead of making up things in my head.

I accepted that anxiety will still flare up from time to time, and that it’s not a threat. It’s just a part of my story, but not the whole story. It’s something I still feel, but it’s not who I am.

More broadly, here’s what’s happened to me over the last 5 years:

The Elizabeth (up to her late-20’s) cared more about:

• Acing the presentation or performance (meaning, no mistakes or embarrassing anxious flutters in my voice)
• Getting the highest grade
• Earning approval
• Maintaining a certain weight
• What others think about me

The me now cares more about:

• Speaking kindly to myself
• Modeling rest for my daughter
• Being present with my family in the evenings, instead of being sucked into ruminating spirals of my “failures” from the day
• Being curious, not critical
• Practicing without “perfecting”
• Enjoying good food with good people
• Letting out the messy cry instead of holding back the tears
• What my heavenly Father thinks about me

Letting go of the rigidity and being gentle with who I am and where I’ve come… this is what I aim for now. This is a process; it hasn’t happened overnight, and I’m still a work in progress.

But I know where I want to go, and I know the sweet joy and freedom here 🙂