Where I am

Let’s start with right here, right now.

Currently, I’m 24 weeks pregnant with my son, Jack. 🙂

Even as I write this, it feels so surreal. Time is a wild thing and motherhood is filled with so much at once. I’m looking at a picture of my daughter as a 3 month-old here on our desk. Now she’s 3, and I don’t know where the time went!

Now, my sweet boy is on the way and I can’t wait to meet him. So much to ponder, to think through, to pray for, to plan, to do… but for now, I’ll just sit here and write on something I’ve been reflecting on this week…

balancing career and motherhood

I recently took a new position about a year ago with a research center supporting children, youth, and families at the University of South Carolina. I was previously working in the Psychology Department and was ready for a job shift. At the time, I was also balancing a 10-12 hour a week family therapy caseload and navigating life with a toddler, and didn’t want too much more on my plate. I also knew I wanted to get pregnant soon, we were also in the middle of a move, and life felt very full. I wanted a position that would align with my long-term goals, while also being doable for me and our growing family.

I wanted to work, but not over work.

I wanted to make an impact, but not at the expense of my family’s needs or my own limits in this season.

This position seemed like a good fit, as it was housed in the College of Social Work and in-line with my goals and experiences. It was offered as a part-time administrative position, so less face-to-face work, and more office based work. In this coming season, I thought, I needed something less intense. I wanted to do meaningful work without being on the front lines. So I accepted!

Right after I accepted this new position I was awarded a new grant through the university to deliver mindfulness groups to parents of kids with autism in South Carolina — which I had already developed and been delivering through my previous position in the Psychology Department. It was a joy and passion of mine to pour into families in this way… and I wrote the grant prior to being offered my new position. It was the first grant I had written, and I was so proud and honored to receive it!

Around the same time, I was also offered the opportunity to teach a Master’s level course in the College of Social Work, something I’ve also really wanted to pursue.

I had so many opportunities thrown at me at once! So many neat paths and interesting endeavors I could have chosen.

I ended up turning them both down — the grant and the class.

Why? Because I knew this wasn’t my season to ramp up professionally.

I couldn’t see myself managing the grant, teaching a course, starting a new position, maintaining my therapy caseload, while also raising a toddler, pouring into my marriage and friendships, getting pregnant and going through the season of newborn life again.

I had the passion and vigor to do it, but my body screamed when I entertained what this all might look like, juggling so much at once. My body knew it couldn’t do it all. So, so much wisdom housed in our bodies!

I continued with my new position, but turned down the extras. I said no to the grant I had worked so hard to write and obtain in the months prior. I asked to wait on teaching a class.

Now, fast forward 10 months later, and I’m so glad I made the shift. I’m thankful I turned down the extra opportunities, and I’m thankful for the less demanding schedule and mental load. But… if I’m honest, I do itch for more sometimes, and I do wonder what things would have been like had I decided differently.

Isn’t there always this questioning on the other side of a decision, big or small? I think so…

I’m surrounded in my new position with many highly driven and successful women. I read their articles, coordinate meetings with them, look at their CVs… and there’s a part of me that wants to be like them. To be running my own research projects, publishing articles, making big differences in the lives of families and communities.

Some days, when I’m sitting at my computer, deep in the mundane administrative tasks, I wonder what it would have been like if I did take that grant… if I did teach that class… if I didn’t go part-time when my daughter was born… if I somehow juggled it all at once and pushed beyond my limits…

Where would I be?

Well… that career-driven itch would be scratched, but I imagine my body and spirit and relationships would be drained in other ways… ways I wouldn’t want for myself or my family in this season. I may be excelling in one area, but limping along in the others.

I can’t go hard into everything at once.

keeping things simple and small

Right now, I am preparing to let go of my therapy caseload as I prepare for Jack’s birth. I’ve maintained some level of a therapy caseload for the last 8 years and now, I’m letting it go. I’ve decided not to come back, at least not anytime soon. The work is good and meaningful but I’m ready to step away. Ready to work my 1 part-time administrative job and nothing else.

This, I’ve decided, is my season to let go of some things. This is not my season to advance in my career. Not my season to make the biggest impact possible in my community or within my therapy practice. Not my season to start a new grant or teach a new class.

This is my season to keep my world small as I grow this little one inside of me, and tend to my precious 3 year old daughter.

Are there women who can and do excel professionally as they grow their own families? Yes! I am rooting for them on the sidelines and wish them all the best.

I am also rooting for the stay-at-home moms who’ve decided to take a break entirely from work. I have many friends who find this to be the best decision for themselves and their families.

It’s not about how much we as mamas work or don’t work as we nurture our families, nor should we judge or compare what others do. It’s about leaning into and embracing the season we’re in and the choices we’ve made for good reasons. It’s about owning our own limits and capabilities rather than trying to push past or deny them. There’s no wrong choice to make when we, as mothers, are considering carefully our own needs, longings, and the needs of our family.

There will come a day, I’m sure, when I write the grant again or when I decide to teach the class. There will be a time for me to further these passions.

But now, my primary focus is on my family. My attention is on my little boy kicking around in my tummy. It’s on my little girl and making the most out of the precious time we have together.

Every “no” is a “yes” to something else. In this season, I’ve said some “no’s” so some neat career opportunities, which have allowed more “yes’s” to my family.

What season are you in? What are your no’s… and what are the yes’s that follow? 🙂